i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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