im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
