Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize