His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
