; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
