I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
