Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
