Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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