upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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