Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
