We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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