Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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