my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
even my farts smell like vagina
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
