walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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