mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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