I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
