I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
