On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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