dude i'm inner monologue high
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
