Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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