please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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