I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
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