This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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