my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
