Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
