you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
