Nicole vs. Life
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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