I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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