My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
