Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
