u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
