If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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