woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
