Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize