i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Too much gin, very little bucket
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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