Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
