captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I want her autograph on my taint
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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