I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
And then he peed in my hair
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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