I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
