I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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