i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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