I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
