New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
we're so committed to being not committed
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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