I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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