i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
