Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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