i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
