Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
