My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
