If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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