I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
