just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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