Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
