Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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