Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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