i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
