are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
