Cold hands, warm shart.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
