It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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