i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
