Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
