When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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