you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
