goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
