I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
